Stay on Target (Totally Originally Posted on Wednesday, July 25th)

Time to let our legions of readers in on some of the behind-the-scenes action that goes into making Headphone Bros the hottest new Weblog™ on the World Wide Web.

We know that the most important thing to maintaining readership is CONTENT. No matter how great we are as humans, video-game players, video-game-discussers, or chinchilla-appreciators, none of that means a thing unless we churn out a consistent stream of content! In order to do this, we agreed (pictured above) that we should each post once a week, bestowing upon you (the throng of devotees) a whopping three updates a week! I elected to post every Wednesday, with my brothers taking Monday and Friday.

I can hear some of you saying, silently in your own minds, that you did not see a notification email alerting you to my post today, Wednesday 25th, 2018, the very day that I am writing and posting this. I say to you, you are mistaken, and quite possibly addled or stuck in a time hole, whichever of those options seems more plausible to you. I have indeed posted every Wednesday since this website went public. I have a very regimented schedule that keeps me on target for my weekly posts and you (yes you, lucky reader!) are about to become informed as to how I keep myself so focused and dedicated to this fraternal endeavor.

1) Just write.

"How do you come up with your writing topics!?" I hear you thinking to me, through your internet-connected device. The answer is simple: I don't! I never have any idea what I'm going to write about! The important thing is to just sit down (probably) and start writing. Once my fingers hit the keys, words just come out, and sometimes those words make sense. As long-winded as I can be, I just need to keep explaining what I just wrote, and before you know it, there go a couple hundred words!

2) Procrastinate.

Generally, I don't start writing anything until at least 8:00 at night. I'll think about writing something all day, but I won't have any ideas unless I'm driving, and I can't very much write then. Finally, after sunset, I finally follow step one and just sit down to write anything! (Again, probably. Sitting is an absolutely optional part of the writing process. I'm pretty sure I always do my writing while sitting, unless I'm writing something on my phone. Writing on my phone is usually just for a text and the occasional email, though. I've never actually written anything for this site on my phone, although I suppose that's an option. They say sitting is bad for you, but I don't need one more thing to worry about.)

3) Pretend Nobody Will Read It.

This step is very hard, because I'm always seeing people reblog, tweet, or post about Headphone Bros' excellent content. But it is important to sit back and imagine that I'm writing for me, and only me. (Again, the sitting part is optional, and as I said earlier, probably bad for you. It's hard to focus on the health effects of sitting in this day and age, though. Every time I drive on the highway, I see death tolls displayed over my lane. That seems like a real bad idea, now that I think about it. Here I am, driving as fast as the law and road conditions will allow and two 3-lane highways are merging as we race toward the center of one of the largest metropolitan areas in the nation. Cars swerve across multiple lanes of traffic all around me and a glowing sign demands my attention twenty feet above the cars in front of me warning me to "pay attention to the road!" lest I join the nearly two-hundred poor souls who met their demise on this very road but a year ago. Seems like a bad idea. Road safety #1: keep your eyes on the road!)

Road Safety #2: Leave Plenty of Space

It Boggle™s my mind whenever I see cars on the highway tailing each other by only a handful of feet. (Now there's an interesting phrase: a handful of feet! I mean, you totally knew what I meant when you read it, but it's weird, right? The opposite makes no sense at all: a footfull of hands. I guess that would be how many human hands you can fit within twelve inches? Or maybe some sort of conversion chart for measuring the height of horses. [Why are quadrupedal animals' heights measured at the withers, anyway? I feel like it's very misleading to list the height of a horse or other large animal this way. When I am face-to-face with a lion, I am much more concerned with the height of the lion's head than its shoulders.])

5) Don't Stand Face-To-Face With a Lion

This should be common sense, but have you seen those videos of that guy who goes to the same wildlife refuge in Africa and cuddles/wrestles with these lions? If you haven't, you should. Actually, here you go:

That guy is totally going to get killed by a lion some day, right? I mean, he probably knows that. He probably thinks that all the time he gets to spend not getting killed by lions is worth it. But, you know, please. None of the rest of you try wrestling with lions, ok?

6) In Fact, Don't Stand Face-To-Face With Any Wild Animals

Basically, any animal bigger than a house cat can kill you, and many animals smaller than a cat can give you terrible diseases. The outdoors are a terrible, wonderful place. Always be aware of your surroundings.

7) Inspect Your Surroundings.

You inspect your surroundings. There are doors to the North, East, and South. There is a small porthole to the West. There is an upside-down bucket in the Northwest corner, a long stick next to you, and one of the stones in the ceiling is a different color than the surrounding masonry.

8) Open The North Door

It's locked

9) Open the East Door

It's locked

10) Open th-

I'm just going to tell you, they're all locked.

11) Pick up the stick.

You pick up the stick.

12) Poke the differently colored stone.

Really?

13) Poke the differently colored stone.

Don't you wan't to look out the porthole, get a better look at your surroundings?

14) Poke the differently colored stone.

There's probably a key under that bucket. You know what, there is a key under that bucket. Please just look in the bucket.

15) Poke the differently colored stone.

You poke the differently colored stone with the stick. It falls from the ceiling, and behind it comes a rush of saltwater. The room quickly begins to fill with water, and a handful of fish and clumps of seawed surround you as you struggle for breath. As you drown, you can clearly see out the porthole that you were under the ocean. (I did try to warn you.)

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